I met with Aggie, my SD, a couple weeks ago now. It was a normal session – she asked how discernment is going (agonizingly slowly) and what makes me so sure I’m called to religious life.
It’s the feeling of home. It’s the feeling of a peace that I don’t understand. It’s Jesus telling me so.
But what calls me most of all?
Love. Love does.
In “The Ear of the Heart” by Mother Dolores Hart of Regina Laudis Abbey (Benedictines), she writes that the nuns were certain she was called to religious life because she was fighting it so hard. She wanted to be normal. That’s all … even though she was a movie star. So, I guess she wanted to be normal for a movie star. (ha.)
I gave up fighting it more than a year and a half ago.
How I long to fit the mold that society deems normal. Give me dating and marriage and some kids. Give me NRSM, whom I love more dearly than ever. I could be a Cooperator or do missions on my time off. But God placed devoting my life to Him on my heart, and a love of and for His Son that can’t compare to any other love I have ever known.
I have dreamed about marrying NRSM and growing old with him, but I wouldn’t be happy. I’d be ignoring God. And while when dating him, we really helped each other grow our love of Christ, God told me this wasn’t His plan for either of us.
No matter how much I want to and try to fight it, God’s plan for me is outside societal norms.